The only thing stopping me from paying $3.99 every month for the Lifetime Movie Club app is the imminent fear of sinking into the crevices of my couch as I sit there, day after day, binging until my eyes implode. Lifetime Movie Network fans love its soapy dramas for their own reasons, but I think we can all agree the primary reason is that we can't get enough of their batsh*t crazy plots - so much so that we tend to insert ourselves right onto screen (we know all best LMN movies make you fear for your own well-being). And when you catch as many of these flicks as we do, there are certain things that tend to happen...
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Every new person your friend dates might be a Craigslist Killer
You've got major recon to do whenever your best friend comes around with a new guy or girl. Is he a mob man? Is she a black widow? You'll find out because you SAW that Lifetime movie about the guy who seemed all cute and normal in person, but actually murdered prostitutes in the dead of night. You're not about to let your bestie get blindsided when the cops show up to pick up their next Craigslist Killer.
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You start to think that you could write your own screenplay
Lifetime movies all tend to bleed into one another. You start to notice the trends and think, "Hey! I could probably write one of these things myself!" You've got loads of material stored up in your head, but you never think to write it down. You know the genres, the style, the dialogue. Maybe it's time you start some world-building for your own Lifetime adventure.
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You start to recognize the actors
After a while, you start to notice that Lifetime recycles their talent. You become familiar with these actors and really get attached to them. When one dies in one movie, you're disappointed, only to be relieved when they pop up in the next two hour segment of your life.
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You'll never online date
Why would you date online when you know that person you swiped right on Tinder could be an abusive ex-con texting you from the inside his PRISON CELL?!?! You wouldn't be able to handle online dating. There's too much potential of winding up cemented in the dry wall between the floor boards of your *gentle lover's* murder house.
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You think you're much more street smart than you really are
You've got solutions to pretty much any dire situation your Lifetime protagonists find themselves in. You're pretty sure, at this point, that you could take any hooded figure in the night with your car keys alone. You may not be as prepared as you think, but at least Lifetime is instilling enough fear to make you THINK about being prepared, in the off chance someone wants to smuggle you into a van for ransom. It's more likely than you think, at least according to Lifetime.
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You have skewed perceptions of dead celebrities
You're not really entirely sure whether or not Brittany Murphy was poisoned in a mass political conspiracy, but you won't rule it out as a possibility. On second thought, it's highly plausible considering Anna Nicole was ALSO poisoned in a mass political conspiracy. Oh wait... maybe Lifetime just made that up. Either way, you've got your pop culture facts all turned upside down, and you start to become a bit of a conspiracist.
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You start to wonder what "Based on a true story" really means
"Based on a true story" holds a certain amount of weight in any movie. However, when you start to understand Lifetime's standards, you're never quite sure whether this plot was verbatim or completely made up. When you've got Lifetime covering anything from the real life Pregnancy Pact to a story about a schizophrenic Lori Laughlin debating whether or not her daughter was really kidnapped, you've got to fact check your stories.
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You have trust issues
Ultimately, you'll never be able to look a stranger in the eye the same way again. Lifetime has scarred you for life. Every time you go out and meet new people, you'll always second guess their true motives. You'll always be drawn to do some major background checks before letting anyone into your life, let alone the people who are already on the "approved" list... for now.